Row, Row, Row Your Boat
by Pooch
Summary: Squall and the gang take up crew. Why the parody category? It's a parody of my life...


Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

By Alex and Dave

Squall and the gang take up Crew. This is pretty much my rowing experience…thanks to Jenn and Todd….

It's educational too, if you want to know about a not very popular but very cool sport called CREW.

Disclaimer: We don't own FF or anything. ROWING IS ALL MINE! MUA HA HA HA HA 

Actually I don't know who or how rowing started…

Look! Waves:

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

A loud annoying buzz sounded, and then Headmaster Cid's voice filled Garden. "Would Seifer, Selphie, Quistis, Rinoa, Squall, Raijin, Zell, Irvine, and Fujin please report to my office? I repeat, Seifer, Selphie, Quistis, Rinoa, Squall, Zell, Irvine, and Fujin to my office."

Cid and Edea were in his office. Cid sat at his desk, and Edea stood by him. They smiled at eachother. "This is a great idea. I can't wait to get started," Cid said cheerfully to his wife.

Edea nodded, "Yes, it will be a great opportunity for the students. If they like it, and it works out, maybe we'll start up our own league, and compete with other Gardens around the world! Oh, gosh, I just can't wait!" Edea squealed with excitement. She and her husband were both ecstatic with the idea they came up with together.

The door opened and the Disciplinary Committee entered. Cid stood up to greet them. "Ah, it's wonderful that you've arrived! Please, sit, sit," he gestured to a row of 9 small chairs lined up in front of his desk. Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin seated themselves furthest to the right of the row of chairs. 

"Why are we here," Seifer asked the question on everyone's mind. 

"We will explain as soon as the others arrive." As if on cue, Irvine and Selphie strode in. "Excellent! Excellent! Oh this is so exciting!" Cid was beaming. Edea couldn't wipe the smile off her face. "Please have a seat and I'll explain why you're here when everyone shows up." Cid clapped his hands together as they sat down furthest to the left, away from the posse. 

The five of them whispered quietly to each other, except for Fujin who revealed whatever she and the D.C. were discussing. "FEET. SICK," she declared. Seifer and Raijin shushed her and looked angered.

"What's going on?" Zell asked from the door. Edea welcomed him in and had him take a seat next to Selphie. Not two seconds later, Quistis, Rinoa, and Squall came in. 

Cid giggled girlishly. "Ooh! You're all here! Wonderful! Please, everyone take a seat."

"So now that we're all here, please tell us why we have been summoned, dearest Headmaster," Seifer requested. 

"I'm sure you've all been wondering why we've called you up here," Edea said, despite the fact that they all had been asking about it not too long ago. 

"Why yes, yes we have," Seifer said sarcastically. 

"I knew you would! You're here because Cid and I want to try something new. Something Garden's never done before, ever! We're hoping it will grow in popularity, and that the sport itself will become popular as it once was."

"Sport?" Squall asked curiously.

"We're going to train you…to row," Cid proudly declared.

"Like canoes?" Selphie asked.

"No, shells. Long beautiful boats, eight people in each, the ninth commanding. Early in the morning, speeding through the calm water. The wind in your hair, the excitement, the feeling of being part of a team, the tight spandex…" Edea trailed off dreamily.

"The tight spandex!?" Squall yelled.

"Like seashells?" Selphie asked intelligently.

"We're going to train you in Crew. Rowing. We start tomorrow, bright and early at 0600 hours. Come to this office. Bring sneakers, a water bottle, and some extra layers. It gets quite chilly down by the river," Cid explained.

"Sir…there's no river anywhere near Balamb," Rinoa pointed out.

"Exactly, that's why we're going to stay in Winhill. We will row in the river down there. Now, go, pack your things. We'll be down there for a while. Edea and I see this as a great experience for you young people. It's a good time for bonding and learning about teamwork. We will coach you to perfection." Cid was bursting at the seams with joy. He beamed at them. They stared at him. "We'll teach you things when we get down there. Go! Pack!" He motioned them to leave, and they all left.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

The nine students were assembled in Cid's office. They talked quietly amongst themselves, each holding a suitcase or two filled with belongings. Each was dressed in clothes suitable for a good workout. Cid and Edea were off preparing the Ragnarok for take off. 

"God, I have no clue how to row!" Irvine exclaimed. "I didn't even know it was called crew. Hell, I've only seen it in pictures, and I didn't even know what it was."

"Well, I think the point of this whole thing is to teach us how, and none of us know how to do it. I'm sure we'll know how soon," Squall explained.

"I'm just kinda scared about the whole spandex thing, ya know?" Raijin confessed. "It's so…tight…and revealing…ya know?" He visibly shuddered.

"We all gotta wear it. Frankly, I don't have anything to be ashamed of," Seifer boasted.

"ARROGANT," Fujin screamed.

"Oh my God, you guys," Selphie started, "this is gonna be, like, so much FUN!" She clapped and jumped up and down. The ditz side of Rinoa got the best of her and she joined in Selphie's jumping and clapping. Squall smacked his hand against his forehead and turned the other way. Irvine stared, enthralled.

"AIRHEADS," Fujin yelled at Rinoa and Selphie. Rinoa immediately stopped when she realized what she was doing. Selphie on the other hand…

"La la la la la la la la la la! Ha ha! Everything's moving up and down! WOOOOW! Booyaka!" 

"Ok, children! It's time. The Ragnarok is ready and we leave immediately!" Cid announced from the door. Everyone proceeded to walk out the door, save for Selphie, who bounced.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

"We'll be landing shortly," Edea told them. The nine students had been waiting restlessly for over 3 hours. 

Cid began explaining what they would be doing. "For the first two weeks, you will not be rowing. You will run, a little further each day." Some groans were heard. "We will also teach you some of the basics about the boats and the sport in general. After two weeks, I will give you seating assignments, and we will begin to go out on the water. We will practice until we have achieved perfection. I feel that this will be no problem for you nine." Cid glanced around the small room. "Are we up to it?" Everyone nodded. "Good. Now, do any of you know what a coxswain is?" Nobody knew. "A coxswain is the person who sits up at back of the boat and yells out commands, telling the rowers what to do. We need one of you to cox. I think in this case that it should be a female. The requirements are simple. You must have a small frame, a loud voice, and weigh less than 110 pounds." Everyone turned his or her head towards Fujin.

Fujin looked around at her peers. After making up her mind, she shouted, "ACCEPTED." 

"Excellent, excellent!" Cid said happily. "This will make things easier in the long run. And you've all learned your first rowing term! Good for you!" He smiled at them and sighed. "I'm so proud of you guys! Oh!" He ran off back towards the cockpit with his face in his hands.

"What's a coxswain again?" Quistis asked.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

"Your training begins now. See this path?" Cid said while pointing to a path that went down farther than the eye could see. "Run ten minutes down that path, and ten minutes back. Feel free to stop and stretch after the first ten minutes, only if you need it." 

Irvine, Selphie, Quistis, Zell, Raijin, Seifer, Squall, and Rinoa let out one long groan. Fujin let out something of a scream. They hated running. 

"Oh, and by the way? I heard some of the language on the way down here from you nine. Keep in mind, we're rowers, not sailors, so let's not talk like them, got it?" He got nine blank stares in response. He smiled.

"First, let's do some warm-ups!" Cid had everyone stand in a circle and they did 50 jumping jacks, 50 crunches, 10 push ups, and then they stretched on their own free will. When everyone was finished stretching, Cid instructed them to go. "Edea and I will not be joining you on your run. We have affairs to take care of here. Be back here in about half an hour. We have some more exercises for you!" Cid and Edea smiled at the nine complaining teens. "Go on, run!" 

They all started up a jog, mostly staying together, but as they progressed, the more in shape runners/rowers separated from the slower ones. When they finished, it was not in a group. Because the faster runners ran farther, the slower runners finished first, followed by the average runners, followed by the faster runners. 

The couple was glad to have them all back, and they began their body circuits. 

"Here's what we do for these: we do each exercise for one minute, we get a 15-second break, and then we move on to the next exercise. Got it?" The crew nodded, breathing hard and drinking large quantities of water at a time. "Good. We'll give you some time to cool off before we begin." Cid and Edea walked off and talked quietly. 

"There is nothing I hate more than running," Irvine complained. 

"I'm with you on that one. My knees are starting to hurt," Rinoa said.

"Oh, come on. You guys are wimps. Ten minutes is nothing," Zell told Irvine and Rinoa.

"I'm with Zell. You must not be in shape, ya know?" Raijin added.

"Irvine, he stands there shooting a gun…no wonder he's not in shape," said Seifer.

"Although he makes up for it by chasing after women. Selphie gets her workout by chasing him when he chases after the women," Squall pointed out. "What do you think, Selphie?" Squall looked around. He didn't see her. "Selphie?" 

They heard a squeal of delight coming from inside the large shed that Cid and Edea kept them out of. They also saw the side door open. The eight of them peeked inside to see Selphie running her hand over a shell (a rowing shell). She noticed them and looked up.

"You guys! Look how pretty the long things are!" She smiled widely and petted the various parts of the boat. 

"Wow, these _are_ nice!" Quistis admired. The shell was perfect, a smooth white coat of paint, not scratched at all; new, perfect shoes in the foot stretchers; smooth, comfortable looking slides; straight, working oarlocks. It was beautiful. 

"I hope we get to row in this boat! It looks like fun, ya know?" Raijin looked towards Fujin. "Where do you, the…co…cox…what are they called again?"

"COXSWAIN," Fujin stated.

"Yeah, the coxswain. Where do you sit?" Raijin asked.

Fujin didn't know. She'd never even known what crew was until Cid and Edea gathered them all in his office yesterday. She studied the boat. She supposed she couldn't sit in one of the seats that the rowers sat it…maybe that empty space in front of the first seat? 

"THERE?" Fujin yelled, pointing to the empty space.

"Who knows, ya know?" Raijin shrugged.

"You're not rowing in THAT boat!" Cid said from the door.

"We're not?" Squall asked.

"No! Of course not! That boat is brand new and we wouldn't want to ruin it, would we?" Cid smiled, "We'll be rowing in that boat!" He pointed to a boat off to the side.

Everyone turned to see the biggest piece of crap boat they'd ever seen in their lives. The seats and slides were made of wood, and half of them were broken. The stern was duct taped together. The bow ball was missing. The coxswain seat was shredded. The shoes were old and tattered. The shell itself was scratched and dented to no end. 

"That? Does it even _work_?" Rinoa asked. 

"Of course it does! We wouldn't put you in a boat that we thought was unsafe," Cid replied.

"It looks pretty unsafe to me," Seifer commented.

"It works fine! It floats and that's all that matters," Cid said, leaving the boathouse.

"This sucks ass," Zell whined. "If we're Garden's only crew team, why don't we show off by having a nice boat? This thing is the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen. What's this thing called?" He walked to the boat and read off the side. "Paul F. Zimmerman…he should be shot, repeatedly," he said and huffed back to the group.

"Well, lets focus on what we have to do in the time being, which is running, and that thing that Cid and Edea wanted us to do," Squall said, leading Rinoa out of the boathouse.

"AFFIRMATIVE." Fujin followed them, followed by the rest. 

They gathered outside and Edea was waiting for them. "Ok, here's what we're going to do! This is called a 'body circuit' and it's simple. You do a certain 'station' for a minute, you get a fifteen-second break, and then you do another station. Got it?" Everyone nodded. "Great! Ok, for one minute, jumping jacks." 

They proceeded to do so, and they did the same with arm circles, crunches, push ups, toe touches, squats, and squat thrusts. 

"Edea, can we take a 30 second break?" Selphie asked, massaging her sore back and thighs.

"I must agree that squat thrusts are tiring, but we mustn't stop. You won't get in shape by taking breaks! Next up, dancing bears! They're kind of like jumping jacks, but you alternate feet." Edea proceeded to demonstrate, jumping on one foot and throwing her arms in the air, kicking the other foot off to the side, therefore completing a dancing bear. She then alternated sides and asked, "Got it?"

"Those are really ridiculous, ya know?" Raijin said, laughing at Edea.

"They might be silly, but Cid got them from a crew coach a long time ago back in 2000. His name was Todd and he created them. They're an excellent work out." Everyone groaned and did dancing bears for a minute.

During the 15-second break, some stretched while others rubbed sore muscles and joints, and Edea explained the next station. "We call these jumpies!" She jumped up and down on her toes, pointing them inward. "Go! One minute." 

Throughout the next 10 minutes, they did other ridiculous exercises made up by Todd, like froggies, supermans, leg throws, and other tiring stations. By the time they were done, everyone was sore, tired, and homesick. They were instructed to sit in front of Cid and Edea. 

"Great first workout everyone! We'll be doing the exact same thing for about two or three weeks, then we can get out on the river!" Cid and Edea were very excited. "Go back to Winhill, back to your rooms. Get a good rest, and I can guarantee you'll be sore tomorrow, so be sure to stretch before you go, okay? Good, see you tomorrow, same time." Cid concluded his speech and everyone stretched. 

"Just to let you know a little about what we're doing here, we're the Balamb Rowing Club. BRC for short. We were founded just this year, and the program is very small at the moment. In fact, you 9 are the only members. Make us proud!" Edea smiled brightly at the nine teens.

It truly was the beginning of something great…

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

Three weeks had passed of going through the same routine everyday. By being around the river for a while, they realized that it was quite dirty and contaminated. Cid had said it was the best they could get for so little money. 

Edea had promised they would do dock rowing today. Everyone arrived excited because of the knowledge they were going on the river. They stood around talking when Edea came up to them.

"Hey crew, I have some good news and some bad news." She looked at the nine for a response, yet got none. "Okay. The good news is that you will be rowing this week." Some happy noises were made by the group. "The bad news is that you won't be rowing today."

"What? Why the hel – sorry – heck not?" Squall asked angrily. 

"Well, you see, we don't have your boat down here yet," Cid said.

"But didn't we see it in the boathouse three weeks ago?" Squall asked, again, angrily.

"That was your boat, but we drove it to a local university for repairs. We should have it back in two days." Cid smiled convincingly. "Don't worry. Today we run!"

"What does he mean 'we'?" Rinoa muttered to Quistis, who giggled. 

"Something you want to share with everyone Rinoa?" Cid asked.

"I was just saying how I love to run, and Quistis here obviously agrees with me, sir," Rinoa said. Quistis giggled again.

"Very well then. Get to it. Twenty minutes out, twenty-five minutes back. Indian run. Have fun," Cid said and left them to talk with Edea. 

"God damned Indian runs…" Seifer muttered. "Well, here we go. Line up behind me I guess." The other eight formed a line behind him, with Rinoa last. They began running and Seifer shouted, "Now!" Rinoa sprinted to the front of the line and set a pace and shouted for the next person, Squall to go, and he sprinted to the front. They ran for 20 minutes doing the same thing. 

They stopped after 20 minutes to take a break. 

"I gotta peeeee!" Selphie whined.

"Go in the tall grass," Irvine suggested. 

"No! You'll be able to see me there!"

"Selphie, just go!" Squall said.

"Yeah, we don't want to hear you complain about it for half an hour until we get back, ya know?" Raijin said. 

"Okay, fine." Selphie cautiously walked into the high grass. She stared at the other eight and squatted down. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. 

Suddenly she stood up. "I can't do this! You're all watching me!"

"Fine, we'll turn around." They did so. Selphie did her business. After a little break, they started the run back. 

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

Two days had passed and today was the day Edea had rescheduled dock rowing. Selphie, Irvine, Squall, Rinoa, Quistis, Zell, Fujin, Raijin, and Seifer gathered around Cid and Edea. 

"Okay! Are you ready to dock row?" They cheered. "Well, too bad because you won't be today. Twenty minutes out, twenty five back, go." 

"WHY?" Fujin yelled at Edea. 

"There's something wrong with the trailer that makes us unable to bring it back." Cid smiled at the group. "I'm so proud of you, now go run." 

They groaned and started the run.

"We're more like the track team than the rowing team," Zell said to Quistis.

"Yeah, Balamb Running Club, not rowing," Quistis joked. Zell laughed.

And so started a trend. The dock rowing date was delayed day after day until two weeks had passed. Then it was delayed another two days. On that date, they finally got to dock row.

"Ok, here's how this works. You're going to go get the boat, carry it out here, put it on the docks, and we'll instruct you from there. I've already instructed Fujin on some of the commands. Good luck!" Edea shoed them away.

The nine of them went into the boathouse and got around the boat. "Okay, so how does this work?" Seifer asked Fujin.

"HANDS ON," she yelled. 

"What does that mean?" Selphie asked.

"Get your hands on the boat, smart ass," Seifer told her politely. 

"Oh, okay!" 

All eight of them got their hands on the boat, four of them down by the bow, four up by the stern. 

"HIGH WAIST IN TWO," Fujin yelled, doing what she does best. "ONE, TWO!"

They lifted the boat up to their waist, bringing it out of the slings. "UP OVER HEADS IN TWO. ONE, TWO!" 

They struggled and lifted the boat up over their heads. "LOCK ARMS!" Fujin shouted. They did so and Selphie could no longer reach the boat. She jumped up and down trying to grab a hold of something.

"WALK FORWARD!" They did so and walked out of the boathouse towards the river. When the got completely out, Fujin instructed them further. "BOW TOWARDS ME, STERN AWAY." The bow walked towards Fujin and the stern walked away from her, making the boat parallel to the river. "WALK FORWARD." They walked forward, right down onto the dock. When they could go no further, Fujin screamed, "SWING DOWN TO LOW WAIST." They swung it down to their waists, the bottom of the boat a couple feet from the water. "LOWER INTO WATER." They placed the boat into the water and held it to the docks by standing in the riggers.

Edea came down to the dock and said, "Very good! Here's what we'll do next. I'm gonna have you get into the boat in pairs. Cid and I have made seating assignments for you. The seat right in front of the coxswain is 8 seat and the seat at bow is 1, got it?" They nodded. "Ok, bow is Seifer, 2 is Selphie…" 

Seifer moaned. 

"Is there a problem Mr. Almasy?" Edea looked up from her clipboard. 

"No ma'am."

"Very well. 3 is Quistis, 4 is Rinoa, 5 is Squall, 6 is Raijin, 7 is Zell, and 8 is Irvine. Fujin is coxing. 1 and 2 are a pair, so are 3 and 4, 5 and 6, and 7 and 8. I'm gonna have bow pair get in first. One foot on the strip and in!"

Seifer and Selphie placed one foot on the strip of wood between the slides and sat down on the seat. 

"Don't put your feet on the bottom of the boat, they'll go right through. Take off your shoes and put them on the docks for now." They did so and strapped their feet into the foot stretchers. Edea had Quistis and Rinoa do it next, then Squall and Raijin, then Zell and Irvine. After they were all in, she had Fujin get into the coxswain seat. They started to slowly drift away from the docks, unbeknownst to Edea. "Very good, now I'll show you some of the parts of the shell."

"Um, Edea…" Quistis said, trying to grab hold of something to keep them from drifting up the river without oars. 

"Yes, dear?"

"I've never rowed before, but I don't think we're supposed to be this far away from the docks…"

"Christ on a pony!" Edea said, waving her hand in front of her face. She reached over as far as she could and grabbed a rigger and pulled the boat back to the docks. "Remember to always hold on to the docks!" 

"So…parts of the boat…?" Rinoa reminded Edea.

"Yes, right. If you're sitting in an odd seat, you are starboard and your rigger is to the left of you. If you're sitting in an even seat, you are Port and your rigger is to the right of you. Riggers are what keep the oars with the boat and on the boat. Oarlocks keep the oars in the riggers. Um…Fujin, see the string things to the left and right of you?" Fujin nodded. "Those steer the boat. They control the scag, which controls the direction of the boat. The seats you are all sitting on are called slides, the shoes your feet are strapped into are called foot stretchers, and you can use the space below your slide to put water bottles, inhalers, socks…whatever you want." Edea thought for a moment and then said, "Oh, right. Again, the bow of the boat is what your backs are facing; the stern is what you're facing. When we deport from the docks, you lean away from the dock and walk the boat down, which means you push the boat down the dock with your hands. When Fujin says 'Weigh enough,' she means stop. 'On the square' means you keep the blade of your oar the way it is. 'Feathering' is when you turn the oar so it's flat against the water. Feathering helps when there are a lot of waves or it's windy. You will have to feather in races. 'Catching a crab' is when your oar catches in the water. If you get a bad crab, your oar will fly over your head and become parallel with the boat. All you need to do in this situation is lift the oar out of the water and swing it back over your head. If you catch a_ really _bad crab, and this doesn't happen often mind you, you will get flung out of the boat. In that situation, Cid or I will come by in the launch, throw you a life jacket and pull you out of the water. Did I miss anything?"

"Can we wear gloves when it's cold?" Selphie asked.

"When you're rowing? No. Only if you buy specialized gloves which are impossible to find." 

"Oh, okay!" Selphie smiled brightly.

"Okay, getting out of the boat. Normally we get in and out by side. Side being port or starboard. Today we're going by pairs to take it easy. To get out, unstrap your foot stretchers, move back on your slide, put one foot on the strip and lift yourself out. Okay, bow and 2 seat, out!" 

When everyone was out, they put the boat back and were sent home early.

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Look! Waves ^^^^

That's it for now. Next up: the gang gets out on the water and rows, then the first regatta….


End file.
